CONTRUBUTED BY MEMBERS

Software VS Hardware

 MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE.
 At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

 "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology  like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a  day.

 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;  in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.'  Then you would have to buy  more seats.

 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,  was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy  to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights  would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

 9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?'  before going off.

 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.  Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Thanks to Rich Congdon


23 ways to be annoying at work!

1)Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).
2)Insist that your email address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@carlson.com"
3)Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over caffeine addictions-switch to espresso!
4)Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
5)Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6)Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the email to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.
7)Name all of your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they are all present.
8)Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky", "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi".
9)Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
10)Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page on all reports that you write (if you don't have children - draw stick figures yourself).
11)Schedule meetings for 4:14pm.
12)Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
13)Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you are doing (ie. "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom").
14)No matter what anyone asks you, reply "okay".
15)Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".
16)Plant a hedge around your desk area.
17)Determine how many cups of coffee is "too much".
18)Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
19)Compose all of your email in rhyming couplets.
20)"Hi-Lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
21)While sitting at your desk, soak your hands in Palmolive.
22)Put up mosquito netting around your desk.
23)Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

Thanks to Karen Page!

A glossary of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings.

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

Thanks to Rich Congdon!

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operatin table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction  workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

-Fred Abraham

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied  and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

Thanks to Karen Page!


Face Lift
A middle aged woman has a heart attack.  While on the operating table she has a near death experience.  She sees God, and asks if this is it.

God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live.  She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift,  liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc.  She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might  as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.

She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

Thanks to Rich Congdon!


ISM'S

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows.  You have to take care of all the cows.  The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both an  drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick  someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them.  Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,  shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the  missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair  price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get
all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.  The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company.  The annual report says that  the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.  Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man.  You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government.  The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be  "throwing their vote away."

Thanks to Rich Congdon!

CHRISTMAS IN DIXIE

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said,

"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Thanks to Karen Page!

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his
product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'.  What
gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."

A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in
the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is  incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself  spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Thanks to Karen Page!

A couple, married for more than 60 years, tragically passed away in a car accident.  When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greeted them and said, "Welcome to Heaven!  Let me show you around."

St. Peter led them directly to the golf clubhouse where they found a lavish buffet filled with cuisine from around the world.  "It all looks great," said the wife.  "But, we only dine
on low fat & low cholesterol meals.  Do you have any of those?"

St. Peter smiled and said: "Forget that stuff, this is Heaven. You'll never get fat or sick again!"

Next, they followed St. Peter to a beautiful house with a new large kitchen and great master bath suite -- complete with a jacuzzi.  The wife whispered to her husband, "This is
wonderful, but isn't it a little too extravagant for us?"

St. Peter, overhearing her, replied, "Don't worry about it. Remember, you're in Heaven now.  The house is absolutely free!" Inexplicably, the husband suddenly began looking very solemn.

St. Peter then took them out to their porch overlooking the fairway of a fabulous golf course and explained that tee times are reserved for them every day.  He also explained that the course would change daily to replicate the greatest golf courses of the world. Today --it's Pebble Beach and tomorrow it will be St. Andrews.

The wife said, "That's fantastic, but how much are the greens fees?"  "They, too, are free!" replied St. Peter.

The husband couldn't contain himself any longer.  He shook his head and shouted at his wife:

"Why did you make us eat all those bran muffins every day!?! We could have been here 10 years ago!"

Thanks to Karen Page!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons  or prior experience.  She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.  Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered  against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

the Walmart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Thanks to Dick Gamble (and approved by his blonde wife!).

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of  all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended.Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
-- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.
-- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
-- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.

But not St. Nick.  Not a chance.

Thanks to Karen Page!

 Everything is so simple for children!

 HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

 "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."  Kirsten, age 10

 WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED??

 "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!"  Cam, age 10

 "No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!"   Freddie, age 6

 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

 "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."  Eddie, age 6

 "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids."   Derrick, age 8

 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

 "Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

 "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough."   Lynnette, age 8

 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR

 "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns."  Craig, age 9

 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

 "When they're rich!"  Pam, age 7

 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

 "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

 THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

 "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife.  I don't want to be all grossed out!"   Theodore, age 8?

 "Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something  out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper- changing."  Kirsten, age 10

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

 "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10

HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky, age 7

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME?

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." Angie L., age 10

--Fred Abraham

Why lie when the truth has so many options?
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me.....We are all individuals.
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Thanks to Karen Page!


HOKEY POKEY

It's always dificult to bring sad news, but I thought you should know.  Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really terrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.  They'd put his left leg in and...well, you know the rest.

Thanks to Dick Gamble!


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