Interoffice Memo from Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
December 1
Re: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that  the  company  Christmas  Party will take place  on  December  23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar,  but plenty  of   eggnog!  We'll  have a small  band  playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December  2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was  yesterday's  memo  intended  to  exclude  our Jewish employees.   We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides  with  Christmas,  though unfortunately  not  this year. However, from  now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to employees  who  are  celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December  3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a  member  of  Alcoholics Anonymous requesting  a  non-drinking  table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this  request,  but if  I  put  a sign on  a table that reads, "AA  Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?  Somebody?

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December  7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea  that  December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking  and sex during daylight hours. There  goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time  of  year  does not   accommodate  our  Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps  Luigi's can  hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party, as the days  are  so short this time of year or else package everything for take  home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile,  I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous  to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant  women  will  get  the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December  8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do  you  expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibits the burning of  sage  by  our  "earth based Goddess worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during  the  band's breaks.  Okay???

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December  9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of  "Santa" does happen to be "Satan."  There is no evil  connotation to our own "little  man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or  family  feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.  Could we
lighten up?

FROM:   Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE:   December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians???  I've had  it  with  you  people!  We're going  to keep this party  at  Luigi's  Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit  quietly  at  the  table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^^&*! salad  bar,  including hydroponic  tomatoes ... but  you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them.  I've heard  them scream,  I'm hearing them scream right now!

FROM:   Teri Bishops,  Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   December 14
RE: Jackie Smith and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Jackie Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium.  In  the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd  off  with full pay

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